Splitting Up
by Michael Lamb
Same-sex marriages are not legally recognized in the United States, neither is gay and lesbian divorce. Nevertheless, the emotional pain and heartache caused by breaking up are problems many gays and lesbians are struggling to cope with at an increasing rate.
“On some level, we’re buying into internalized homophobia – years of our culture telling us our relationships are not as important, ” said psychologist Val Pearson.
So what’s the problem? Domestic violence, poor anger management skills, who’s going to take out the trash and who’s going to walk the dog? Ben says that he and Allen just drifted apart over the years.
“The last three years were very boring” said Ben. “We just kept pretending that everything was okay, to keep up a good image for our friends.”
Ben says even sex became an obligation.
“I think my affair was my way of ending the relationship. I started going to therapy and discovered that I totally lost myself in the relationship,” he said. Ben and Allen went to couples therapy to help them break-up. They didn’t want to become enemies.
“When breaking up, gay and lesbian couples tend to minimize the complexity of what they’re doing,” Pearson says. Long-term couples often become informally tied financially over the course of the years, giving little thought that they’re actually paving the road for a long-term relationship.
“They don’t think about it as a divorce until they realize they need help separating,” says Pearson. “Often, one partner wants to end the relationship, but doesn’t know how.”
Stacy and Nicole met at a Super Bowl party 10 years ago.
“We were from two different worlds,” says Stacy. “but, we just really seemed to click. Nicki always talked about fixing up the house and having kids. Then it was like we just woke up one day and didn’t even know each other.”
“I felt like her showpiece,” said Nicole. “Stacy got more interested in her career and making money. I didn’t fit and then she stopped noticing me.”
They divorced three months ago.
“We saw each other in Hillcrest one day,” said Nicole. “We pretended we didn’t. I wish we would have gone for some type of help. Now, it’s too late.”
Pearson says a lot of people can benefit from individual(therapy) work.
“Anytime there’s domestic violence involved, I insist that both partners participate in individual therapy first,” she says, “It’s too hard to be honest and open if you’re afraid.”
Mediation is an increasingly popular way of ending a relationship and helping resolve the feelings that exist. Pearson recommends mediation for those couples who have legal, financial or child custody issues to be concerned about.
“When I refer couples to a mediator, I don’t request a release of information,” says Pearson. “I stay out of it. We continue the couple therapy while they go through the mediation process.”
“It’s not like buying a pair of shoes,” says Richard Gordon, J.D. , at a Fair Way Mediation Center. “Divorce is a life-altering process.”
Gordon says the chance of making a relationship last decreases each time individuals divorce, the re-marry.
“With first marriages, 50 percent are going to break down and 75 percent of second marriages end in divorce,” he said. “The percentage jumps to 90 percent for those people who marry for a third time.”
Ironic?
The more experience people have with relationships, the more narrow their focus.
“It’s like searching for that perfect hunk or beef, ” he says. “People often become more selfish and compromise less with each passing relationship.
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Many gay couples do not put property in both names. In non-gay marriages, this doesn’t matter, they have the law behind them.” -Gordon
When it comes to divorce, some gay and lesbian couples are in a non-win situations.
The law creates a presumption that property purchased during a non-gay relationship is jointly owned (community property.) then there is the statute of frauds. Basically, this states that any agreement concerning real estate must be in writing to be valid.
“couples need to protect themselves going in to a relationship,” said Gordon.
Do you want the Kenny G or Barbara Streisand collection? Nothing is petty when couples, gay or non-gay, sit down to “divvy it up.” Mediation takes the stinger out of a break-up. It is also a useful prenuptial tool.
Mediation serves as a teeter-totter. The mediator tries to make the teeter balance. It also prevents any attempts for a second bite of the apple.
“Everything doesn’t have to be even-steven,” says Gordon. “It just has to balance.” Who bought what’ is not always the most important issue. Often, long-term relationships worked because one party needed to be taken care of and the other one needed to provide that care.”
Who’s going to pay the bills? Beyond real property, and the CD collection, divorcing couples have to face one other big issue, Accumulated debt. A mediator not only looks at where the debt came from, but also the ability to pay. An fair agreement is made accordingly.
Gordon says that many times during mediation, couples receive a wake up call. They begin to realize that they can work things out. He says poor communication is usually one of the biggest problems. In cases like this, he sends them to couples therapy.
“Mediation, by its nature, works well when people want to have some type of continuing relationship,” says Gordon. “Litigation, by its nature, blows people apart and creates animosity.”
Prenuptial agreements or not?
Attorney, Merrianne Dean says yes. “couples can save themselves a lot of heartache by planning ahead,” she says. When couples come to her for a domestic partnership agreement, she recommends including a statement agreeing they will participate in couples therapy in the event of a break-up.
For Allen, the legal document prepared by Dean was the real wake-up call. Ben and Allen have been separated for nine months, They have not yet committed to a divorce.
“I sat down and re-read my will one day, “says Allen. “I started to cry when I realized that at one time I loved and trusted Ben enough to take care of my kids, if I was to die. I’m not sure of everything that has happened. I know we love each other. I just don’t know if we’re in love anymore.”
Information About A Fair Way Mediation Center
- One America Plaza
- 600 W Broadway, Suite 700 San Diego, California 92101
- 619-702-9174
- 619-232-4665 fax
- ImFair4U@aol.com