Mediator: "It's Not About Winning or Losing"
Longtime lawyer now sends his days listening to couples on the verge to couples on the Verge of Divorce...
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Splitting up
When I saw him walking towards me at the airport, I knew he just had an affair. I could see it in his eyes. After six years, he wouldn't even look at me. I'll never forgive myself for not going to New Orleans with him"
» Read more

Mediation 101
A short introduction to the ins and outs of divorce mediation
Divorce is never easy. It has taken a long time for you to make the decision to split up. And even if you and your spouse are still on "good terms", you'll still encounter problems when you attempt to work out the details of your separation.
» Read more

My Turn: The Revolution You Won’t See on TV
-Nov. 25 issue NEWSWEEK
It may not make for good drama, but mediation is changing the face of the American legal system
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Mediation of Gay/Lesbian Marriages Not Found in Court
By Richard Gordon

Sarah and Beth have lived together for seven years. They intended to live happily ever after, But as too often happens, they drifted apart and their relationship started to strain at the edges. Communications was cut off. Sex was a bother rather than a pleasure. They no longer laughed together. It was time to end it and move on.

Unfortunately there were "entanglements" which had to be addressed. There was the house they purchased and decorated together; There were master Card, Visa, Discover and American Express bills to face. There were life insurance policies taken out during better times. They had but one car to share between the two of them. Who would get the dog? There was only one CD player and so many discs. The biggest issue, however, was Margo, Sarah had given birth, but both were the child's parents. Where to turn? What to do.

Unlike straight couples, Gay and Lesbian couples do not have the option of turning to the law for an answer. Only Hawaii has recognized marriages between same sex couples as "legal". Normally an act, if legitimate in one state will be accepted in a "sister " state under the full faith and credit clause of the Constitution, California, however, has chosen to specifically exclude Hawaii's marriage statues and continues to treat same sex marriages as taboo

Straight couples can use case law and statutes to untangle their relationships and property. Gay and lesbian couples cannot. The most they can hope for from the law is to be treated as a failed partnership: a business entity, The law of this state does not protect the individuals of a same sex marriage as it does heterosexual couples. There are no rights of spousal support, visitation, pension benefits or other community property protections.

One solution for this problem is Mediation. Through this process parties can work on

Solutions to dispute which are not available to them through the traditional Court system. By selecting mediation the parties in a dissolving relationship are choosing to take charge of their lives by maintaining their sense of dignity and self-esteem. They are saying that they prefer to end their relationship in a cooperative, forward thinking way, which minimizes the anger associated with the break up.

A skilled and experienced mediator is able to create a safe place and a cooperative environment which encourages the parties to engage in open and honest discussion. The mediator's role is that of an impartial neutral. He must identify the issues, explore each parties underlying interests and balance the power within the relationship.

A mediator is NOT an advocate for either party, nor does he make the decisions which affect the settlement. They arc trained to listen and help each of the parties to stay focused on the task at hand, During the course of mediation the parties are encourage to discuss all of the issues and explore the various options which they have to resolve their differences.

The final product of a successful mediation is a Memorandum of Understanding. For straight couples it may also be known as a martial settlement agreement, This contract sets forth the details and specifics of the mutually agreed to decisions, If either party breaches any of the terms the other has a right to sue for enforcement in a court of law.

Mediators can come from man disciplines. They can be rained lawyers, psychologists, Marriage Family and Children Counselors or any like background. To date California does not require the mediators be licensed by the state. This is likely to change by the end of the century.

» Back Mediator: "It's Not About Winning or Losing"
Longtime lawyer now sends his days listening to couples on the verge to
couples on the Verge of Divorce
By Stephanie Demizio

It's not every attorney who will give up a quarter-century of law practice to enter a relatively new field.

That's what Richard Gordon did recently. Now he spends his days listening to couples on the verge of divorce.

Gordon is a professional mediator.

"I realized that adversarial law is wrong in divorce situations. It is more of an emotional time instead of right and wrong. It is not about winning and losing," Gordon says.

In mediation there is no advocacy, he said, he is the neutral one who listens to and hears both sides' arguments.

As the owner of A Fair Way Mediation in San Diego, Gordon advises couples that conflict in a marriage does not have to end in divorce; there are other options.

Some couples who think they need a divorce may just be going through something temporary and need counseling, he said. The may not even think about going to therapy and go straight to lawyers.

According to Gordon, this is far more dangerous from an emotional standpoint.

Therapist is referring certain clients to Gordon and he, when necessary, refers clients to them.

If a couple has reached a point where divorce is the only answer, Gordon helps them with various concerns like property, custody, visitations and spousal support.

Same-sex couples also benefit from mediation.

"We try to embrace them and use the same body of law that they would use in court if they were married to the opposite sex," Gordon said.

Problems are worse for same-sex couples than heterosexual couples, said Gordon, because there is no body of law.

It's an especially situations when a couple of the same sex decides to break things off and there are children involved, he said. If the child has not been adopted by the partner of the child's biological parent, then he or she has no legal right to that child once the marriage is over.

Gordon helps the couples reach an agreement that is in the best interest of the child.

The success rate for settlements between same-sex couples is just as high as heterosexual couples, Gordon said. Of course, the time it takes does vary - some sessions are short while others last for 10 hours in one day, he said.

With mediation, couples never set foot in court - everything is filed by mail. Lawyers are used as a backstop to answer legal questions and review documents but do not help negotiate the settlement, Gordon said. Everything is up to the two people involved and they are the ones who create the terms for the marital settlement agreement.

According to Gordon, mediators are not a threat to lawyers, But rather an enhancement. Lawyers don't need to deal with little divorces that can be handled with negotiations, he said. However, lawyers are necessary with situations involving physical violence. Mediation does not work when there is unequal bargaining power.

Gordon feels a personal satisfaction with mediation. He believes he saves his clients time, money and most importantly, pain.

"I'm pumped after people leave. I do good," he said

» Back Splitting up
"When I saw him walking towards me at the airport, I knew he just had an affair. I could see it in his eyes. After six years, he wouldn't even look at me. I'll never forgive myself for not going to New Orleans with him"
-Allen 37
By Michael Lamb

Same-sex marriages are not legally recognized in the United States, neither is gay and lesbian divorce. Nevertheless, the emotional pain and heartache caused by breaking up are problems many gays and lesbians are struggling to cope with at an increasing rate.

"On some level, we're buying into internalized homophobia - years of our culture telling us our relationships are not as important, " said psychologist Val Pearson.

So what's the problem? Domestic violence, poor anger management skills, who's going to take out the trash and who's going to walk the dog? Ben says that he and Allen just drifted apart over the years.

"The last three years were very boring" said Ben. "We just kept pretending that everything was okay, to keep up a good image for our friends."

Ben says even sex became an obligation.

"I think my affair was my way of ending the relationship. I started going to therapy and discovered that I totally lost myself in the relationship," he said. Ben and Allen went to couples therapy to help them break-up. They didn't want to become enemies.

"When breaking up, gay and lesbian couples tend to minimize the complexity of what they're doing," Pearson says. Long-term couples often become informally tied financially over the course of the years, giving little thought that they're actually paving the road for a long-term relationship.

"They don't think about it as a divorce until they realize they need help separating," says Pearson. "Often, one partner wants to end the relationship, but doesn't know how."

Stacy and Nicole met at a Super Bowl party 10 years ago.

"We were from two different worlds," says Stacy. "but, we just really seemed to click. Nicki always talked about fixing up the house and having kids. Then it was like we just woke up one day and didn't even know each other."

"I felt like her showpiece," said Nicole. "Stacy got more interested in her career and making money. I didn't fit and then she stopped noticing me."

They divorced three months ago.

"We saw each other in Hillcrest one day," said Nicole. "We pretended we didn't. I wish we would have gone for some type of help. Now, it's too late."

Pearson says a lot of people can benefit from individual(therapy) work.

"Anytime there's domestic violence involved, I insist that both partners participate in individual therapy first," she says, "It's too hard to be honest and open if you're afraid."

Mediation is an increasingly popular way of ending a relationship and helping resolve the feelings that exist. Pearson recommends mediation for those couples who have legal, financial or child custody issues to be concerned about.

"When I refer couples to a mediator, I don't request a release of information," says Pearson. "I stay out of it. We continue the couple therapy while they go through the mediation process."

"It's not like buying a pair of shoes," says Richard Gordon, J.D. , at a Fair Way Mediation Center. "Divorce is a life-altering process."

Gordon says the chance of making a relationship last decreases each time individuals divorce, the re-marry.

"With first marriages, 50 percent are going to break down and 75 percent of second marriages end in divorce," he said. "The percentage jumps to 90 percent for those people who marry for a third time."

Ironic?

The more experience people have with relationships, the more narrow their focus.

"It's like searching for that perfect hunk or beef, " he says. "People often become more selfish and compromise less with each passing relationship.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Many gay couples do not put property in both names. In non-gay marriages, this doesn't matter, they have the law behind them." -Gordon

When it comes to divorce, some gay and lesbian couples are in a non-win situations.

The law creates a presumption that property purchased during a non-gay relationship is jointly owned (community property.) then there is the statute of frauds. Basically, this states that any agreement concerning real estate must be in writing to be valid.

"couples need to protect themselves going in to a relationship," said Gordon.

Do you want the Kenny G or Barbara Streisand collection? Nothing is petty when couples, gay or non-gay, sit down to "divvy it up." Mediation takes the stinger out of a break-up. It is also a useful prenuptial tool.

Mediation serves as a teeter-totter. The mediator tries to make the teeter balance. It also prevents any attempts for a second bite of the apple.

"Everything doesn't have to be even-steven," says Gordon. "It just has to balance." Who bought what' is not always the most important issue. Often, long-term relationships worked because one party needed to be taken care of and the other one needed to provide that care."

Who's going to pay the bills? Beyond real property, and the CD collection, divorcing couples have to face one other big issue, Accumulated debt. A mediator not only looks at where the debt came from, but also the ability to pay. An fair agreement is made accordingly.

Gordon says that many times during mediation, couples receive a wake up call. They begin to realize that they can work things out. He says poor communication is usually one of the biggest problems. In cases like this, he sends them to couples therapy.

"Mediation, by its nature, works well when people want to have some type of continuing relationship," says Gordon. "Litigation, by its nature, blows people apart and creates animosity."

Prenuptial agreements or not?

Attorney, Merrianne Dean says yes. "couples can save themselves a lot of heartache by planning ahead," she says. When couples come to her for a domestic partnership agreement, she recommends including a statement agreeing they will participate in couples therapy in the event of a break-up.

For Allen, the legal document prepared by Dean was the real wake-up call. Ben and Allen have been separated for nine months, They have not yet committed to a divorce.

"I sat down and re-read my will one day, "says Allen. "I started to cry when I realized that at one time I loved and trusted Ben enough to take care of my kids, if I was to die. I'm not sure of everything that has happened. I know we love each other. I just don't know if we're in love anymore."

» Back Mediation 101
A short introduction to the ins and outs of divorce mediation.

Divorce is never easy. It has taken a long time for you to make the decision to split up. And even if you and your spouse are still on "good terms", you'll still encounter problems when you attempt to work out the details of your separation. Rarely is there equal bargaining power in a marriage. Plus, it is very difficult to make rational decisions when emotions are running high. Few situations are as emotionally charged as the end of a relationship.

Mediation is a voluntary settlement process which allows you to control your own destiny rather than leaving your fate up to a judge who knows nothing about your or your spouse. You need never step foot into a courtroom as all discussions are held in the safety and comfort of the mediator's office. Because of this mediation is far less costly in both economic and emotional terms. Couples can save up to 90% over a traditional courtroom battle by using the mediation process.

How it works:
Divorce Mediation is a step by step process through which separating couples arrive at a fair agreement which is acceptable to both parties. It is conducted under the guidance of a trained professional who helps the couple to make their own important decisions concerning their changing and uncertain future. The mediator need not be a lawyer. A psychologist with some knowledge of divorce law can be quite effective in dealing with a couple going through a breakup of their marriage.

The mediator helps you identify the points upon which you already agree and works from there, with cooperative problem solving, to work on the issues which are not so easily disposed of. Some examples of typical questions which come up during the process are: