Divorce and Suicide
SUICIDE AND DIVORCE
During the past month I have lost two clients to suicide. Both deaths were related to their divorce and both were male. I have come to learn that neither was a surprise.
“J.B.” was a 42 year old guy who had a successful real estate business. He had many friends and a plethora of interests. However, when Susie asked for a divorce J.B.’s life began to reel out of control. He stopped reaching out to his support network. He became quiet and self-contained. Even after he had signed the Marital Settlement Agreement and it had been submitted to the Superior Court his temperament did not get any better.
J.B. jumped off the Coronado Bridge. His suicide note said “I just can’t take the pain anymore.”
“Bill” was another story completely. He had been a successful psychologist. Several years before his untimely death he had suffered a significant bout of depression. It was so bad that he was no longer able to maintain his practice. Unlike J.B., Bill was the one who filed the Petition for Divorce. He stated ““Jill” would be better off in another relationship.”
Bill hung himself. His note stated there was more “dignity” for Jill being a widow than in her being a divorcee.
The Leading Cause of Suicide
Some studies have concluded that divorced people are three times as likely to commit suicide as people who are married. Divorce is the leading factor for suicide, surpassing all other physical, financial and psychological reasons. Divorce, or even the thought of divorce, places a person in a far greater risk of suicide.
Men are far more likely to commit suicide than women due to their inability to cope with divorce. Women, especially those with children, still feel needed after their divorces. Men, without their traditional role as head of household, feel abandoned or left to fend for themselves. Without this place at the head of the table they feel they have no reason to live.
It should be noted that women are more likely to ATTEMPT suicide but men are more likely to SUCCEED. Those in the most significant “class” to commit suicide are men over 65 years of age; those being disabled and unable to take care of themselves and those in the lower socio-economic strata. From my experience I would include “control freaks” that have lost their audience.
Suicide Signals
People going through the thought process of suicide most often send out “signals” of their intentions to do away with themselves. Some of these clues include:
Giving away prized possessions;
Increased drug or alcohol use;
Sleeping too much or too little;
Withdrawing from friends;
Withdrawing from social activities;
Making out a will or preparing funeral arrangements;
Loss of interest in personal appearance;
Dwelling on the subjects or death or suicide in conversation; poetry, music art or writing;Other indicators that someone is thinking about suicide come from the words they speak:
“ I think it’s time to end it all;”
“ I don’t think I can take it anymore;”
“ Life is not worth living anymore;”
“ Sometimes, I just want to die;”
“ She’ll be sorry when I’m gone;”
“ She’ll be better off without me.”These comments should not be ignored. If the speaker means anything to you confront them; ask directly if they are thinking about suicide. Ask if they need help, a doctor, a cup of coffee and a chance to talk through their problem.
The person’s support network would be well advised to confront their friend, associate or loved one with their beliefs that something is amiss. Ignoring the clues or holding back in getting involved may result in an untimely and unnecessary death.
Perhaps, if I had been more of this information, I would have picked up on the hidden messages being sent out by a female client named “Abby.” She was sad all of the time after her soon-to-be ex-husband and her daughter had moved to North Carolina leaving her all alone in California. She used many of the phrases quoted above, but they went unacknowledged. One day I got a phone call telling me that she had been hiking and fell off a cliff to her death.
In my entire career no single event has had a greater impact than the deaths of clients by their own hands. Frequently I ask myself if there was something I could have done to prevent these tragedies. Perhaps the answer is “no.” However, there is a chance that we can reach out to our friends and loved ones when they are suffering the effects of a divorce and are indicating that they need help. This is the time of life when they need our support more than ever.
Information About A Fair Way Mediation Center
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